From a Born-Again Tantrika ©
by Uriel Dana ©2001
INFIDELITY AND TANTRA
My Boyfriend cheats on me like clockwork every two months. These are not affairs but one-night stands. He says he's "polyamorous" and always will be. I have a deep heart connection to this man but feel betrayed and stupid for caring.
This is one of the most painful situations a person can experience. We've all been there at one time or another. The word "polyamorous" is one of the most overused and annoying words of the "tantra-lite" set. My experience of people who use that word to define themselves has been they are just the opposite. They are, in practice, "lover of none". In other words, they usually have a very low self esteem and rarely are capable of experiencing nonsexual intimacy with anyone. In the truest sense, this behavior is the opposite of tantra. They see neither the sacred in themselves nor in their partner.
Often polyamorous types have brief, intense, sexual encounters to feel "desirable" and therefore good about themselves for brief periods of time. Its more than just emotional, it's physical. In fact, sexual attraction is addictive. North Bay therapist and writer David Williams wrote the following on the subject in an article on Love, Romance & Pain in the Autumn 2000 issue of Healing Times:
Sexual attraction to somebody sends immediate signals through our body. When we feel a strong attraction, our sympathetic nervous system goes into gear. The hypothalamus tells the pituitary gland to stimulate the adrenal glands, epinephrine is released and we get turned on'. He goes on to state that 'people who are epinephrine addicts are thrill seekers and are always seeking more and more feelings of attraction. The excitement comes from a projected image of a person rather than a place within the relationship. The thrill seeker enjoys the hunt but becomes tired or bored quickly with the commitment, maintenance, and the sameness of a long-term relationship'.
There are many good therapists available to help people come to terms with this type of addiction. Unfortunately only your boyfriend can choose to do this. If he does so it must be because he realizes this behavior has become destructive or unfulfilling in his life. We can not change anyone but ourselves. It is now time to consider yourself.
First of all look deeply into your own deservability issues. Betrayal by someone we care deeply for can play havoc with our self esteem. We start with our inner critic tearing ourselves down and, if left unchecked, can actually convince our self we've done something to deserve this treatment... Never let yourself feel stupid for caring for another human being; its a sign of enlightenment.
Know that his issues are his issues, and not yours. You must not hope, but rather assume he will always be this way. Can you live with that? If there was a heart connection it will remain, but without trust we can never experience intimacy with another. To put it another way, we can not lose someone we never had.
Even though it hurts, love him enough to let him go; love yourself enough to grow. Become the person you would want to date. Learn to pleasure yourself emotionally, physically, and intellectually. Be in perfect relationship with yourself before any other. If he doesn't see how special you are, someone else will.
From a Born-Again Tantrika ©
by Uriel Dana ©2001
IMPOTENCE AND TANTRA
I think about sex a lot and get aroused looking at sexy photo's and film, but when it actually comes to having sex, I don't feel interested or excited anymore. In the past I have had positive sexual encounters with both women and men, so I don't feel repressed. Am I impotent?
Sincerely, Lazy Lingam
Thinking about sex and looking at pornography are both mental activities. Notice that you said you didn't "feel" interested, "feel" excited anymore. This is because your sexuality has moved into your head. Sex in tantra transcends the mind; it is an act of the body, soul & spirit. The mind is useful in your choice of potential partners and for preparing for love play with candles, condoms, or comforts, but in actual lovemaking, it should be set aside.
Many people approach sex with the same attitude as going to the gym....mental, goal oriented. In tantrik lovemaking however, our attitude will be more a kin to meditation and prayer. (Meditation being when we "listen" to God-Goddess, prayer being when we "talk to" God-Goddess). Lets talk about what these two approaches look like in our sexuality.
First of all, the mind holds fear. When we are in our "minds", we are constantly judging, analyzing, and trying to control an outcome. We are thinking about our performance, or our partners performance, what we look like, or comparing our lover or ourselves to other lovers or even fantasy lovers. This means we are living in the past, or living in the future, and we are not being in our "present". Nothing is less satisfying than being with a lover who does not "show up" energetically.
When we move our sexuality out of the mind it goes right to the heart. It feels as different as a one night stand versus being with someone we deeply love. In meditation we pay attention to our breathing. We breathe into total relaxation, we are present. That "presence" becomes our "present" to our lover. We are genuinely connecting with each other energetically; to our divinity.
The problem with approaching sex from the mind is it is also where we create stress and anxiety. Without meditation, these become tension in our bodies. When men experience tension, their blood pressure is affected and the valves that regulate the bloodstream of their body's arteries are also the valves that effect the lingams ability to have an erection. As a rule, stress is the culprit behind impotence as it constricts the blood flow into the lingam.
When we stay in the present in our lovemaking from that place of oneness with spirit, we are not attached to outcomes or performance. Each moment is sacred, a gift. Time slows down. Shame and guilt fall away as we fall into the divinity of our partner. We see ourselves in them. Touch them as we would want to be touched, kiss them as we would like to be kissed, hold them in the safety and light we feel when we surrender to spirit. It is surprisingly erotic to those who have never tried it.
Even though the most dysfunctional man sexually will have at least five half-hour erections during his sleep cycle, his waking mind, when filled with stress or tension, will create impotence. Meditation relaxes the body and is the secret of sexually empowered tantrik men.
Uriel Dana is an internationally acclaimed fine-artist and poet. She has been a candidate three times for International Woman of the Year. She was a recipient of an Outstanding Achievement Award in the 20th Century for her Contribution to the Fine Arts as well as documented as one of the Outstanding Poets of the 20th Century. She writes freelance articles and pens two columns, including "Angel In A G-String: Psycho-Spiritual Advise from a Born Again Tantrika". She has lectured nationally and internationally on many subjects, including ancient Mahayoga Tantra and Tibetan Dream Yoga Techniques.